Celebrating a deeply abundant and juicy life

Happy 97th, Dad! We all love on you here on the Drop.

Hebrew Word of the Week:
We got a twofer this week! I learned the word for an experience is chavaya (חוויה), but if you’re talking about work experience, you’d use nisayan (ניסיון). Personally, I’d rather not have the experience of remembering two words that mean the same thing!

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As some of you know, my dad plays a pivotal role here on the Drop, from reminiscing about his Holocaust studies program, to sharing life advice and his favorite Jewish women. He always either makes us laugh or makes us think.

And guess what? His birthday is on Tuesday!

Every Friday before his birthday, I ask him to contribute wisdom here, even though he prefers half-sour pickles to full sour, which isn’t very Jewish nor wise.

Since he’s turning 97, I thought I’d give him a break and let us do the work by saying nice things about him. My mom is being sneaky and (hopefully) deleting this from his inbox before he opens it today, so we can surprise him with it on his actual birthday on Tuesday. Mum’s the word with him about this until then, please! (But I still wanted to send out the Drop, because, well… Friday).

Dad, here’s some of the many people who love you, including people you don’t even know, who wanted to wish you a happy birthday. There were so many messages that the email got too long! Open up the link to view the entire email! Thanks to all who contributed.

And before we begin, here’s a throwback Shabbos greeting from me and the man himself:

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From Amy S.: I’d bet every friend Fred has believes he’s one of the most singular people they’ve ever known. Brilliant without ever being intimidating, endlessly curious about people and the world, Fred is both interested and interesting. That rare combination makes him someone you can happily talk to for hours about almost any subject — and I suspect we all have!

Our correspondence has ranged widely: the shortcomings of our 45th/47th president; Fred’s carefully curated list of 11 great sledding hills in New Jersey which he thought I’d make use of; multi-paragraph dissections of Hollywood award nominations; reflections on how the pandemic exposed the structural weaknesses in, well, everything; and his memorable description of a drive-through COVID test: “They take a chopstick stolen from a take-out place and jam it in my nostril to see if it can reach my ankle.” Medical accuracy was not his concern; narrative impact was. This fellow writer recognizes game.

Fred and I share a love of Shakespeare. When I asked his favorite character, Fred answered without hesitation: Falstaff. “Because he eats, drinks, and avoids getting hurt. What more could one want from life?” It’s a very Fred answer. Falstaff may be rejected by those he loves, but that’s where the comparison ends. Fred, in contrast, is loved by all.

And he’s a terrific dad — something anyone can see just by knowing his kids. When Maddy, Miranda, Becca, and I visit, we often invite Fred. His standard reply is something like, “Thanks, but no thanks … ladies need to talk lady stuff and I’d be a firewall. But I appreciate the invite. It gives me a chance alone to catch up on my secret sites I visit.”

Those “secret sites” may well have inspired his blog, Extra Good Shit, which Fred has spent years curating exactly what the title promises: fascinating, funny, and thought-provoking things the rest of us are better for having seen.

I happen to know that Fred loves cookies which I take great pleasure in sending him on his birthday. Eleven years ago, on his 86th, he was especially taken with the packaging: two cookies per packet. He wrote me: “They stick together and so rather than trying to take just one and save the other, I have to eat them both.” A man defeated not by temptation, but by packaging design.

On a recent email exchange when we once again lamented the state of our union, I suggested I could buy a huge house in Belgium where we could all live together. Fred countered: “Only if I can have Belgian waffles daily.” I can’t imagine anything sweeter than sharing Belgian waffles — and conversations — with Fred for eternity.

Happy 97th birthday, Fred! The world is infinitely more interesting because you’re in it.

Nick L.: Thanks Fred for being a confidant, someone who is never afraid to share a good story, or to provide a sound opinion. Your love of pizza, Jewish delicacies, and Connecticut is inspiring. Thanks for opening the eyes of the younger generations to what is possible as we age gracefully and to know the varying life paths exist out there in the world which can lead to contentment and happiness!

From Donna: The year was 1983 (maybe even earlier) when I first met Fred while dating Scott.

Fred and I were the only “outsiders” in the family which gave us a special bond which I still feel to this day. He always put me at ease at family gatherings with his off-kilter joking or silly quips that would ease my anxiety. I always looked forward to Fred being there.

Through the years, the bond has carried on. He continues to pass along his unique brand of humor, enlightening me with his wisdom and extensive knowledge, keeping me updated with impressive articles that he continues to send.

I have loved watching him as a dedicated husband, father, brother in law and friend.

I look up to him with such admiration and love. Happy 97, my cherished friend! ❤️❤️

From Scott: Fred, I’ve loved you from the 3rd time I met you. The first time you took me to a bar and I got in an argument with some psychopathic war veteran with bad PTSD. You identified him as a friend of yours. I wasn’t sure I liked your friends that day. The second time, I met you, you and Maddy were arguing and I started yelling like an idiot. I wasn’t sure I liked me that day.

The third time, I completely got it. This was going to be one of the greatest love stories ever written. Maddy loved you, you loved her. And I started to fall in love with you. And yes, in a sexual way.

But bad jokes aside, there are plenty of people walking around that remind you of other people, but there is only one Fred. An original that can never be duplicated, dare I say the love child of Groucho Marx and Jack Kerouac.

There’s one Prince, one Madonna, one Woody (not Harrelson, the “this land is our land“ Woody, and there is only one Fred. In fact, if I meet another person named Fred, I spit at them and say “you’ll never be him.”

Thank you so much for being in our lives. You are the centerpiece to this odd little loving family we have. You are adored by your children, your wife, friends, Donna, and me. Happy birthday.

From Morty: After a Shakespeare class in college there was only one other student interested in talking about the plays, their plots and characters. He was a vet from New Haven who was intelligent and insightful and we enjoyed a developing friendship. After graduation we were in the same circle of friends in the White Horse and Greenwich Village. We stayed in touch sporadically in the decades that followed, and in 1994, both retired, we began lunching weekly in New Haven, and he has enriched my life ever since.

Hang in there buddy.

From Jason: In recent years it has been my pleasure to bring my father to lunch with Fred every two weeks or so. I really enjoy hearing them reminisce, crack jokes, and tell stories about the time before the last ice age! The Kvetching is next level and can be hilarious at times.

Fred, I can’t believe you’re going to be 97! You don’t look a day over 96! Happy Birthday, Fred!

From Emily: A love letter to my friend on his birthday four score and seventeenth birthday:

So typically when we meet I am embraced as a cherished friend. You tell me some piece of trivia or share a joke. You may update me on a piece of news on the latest unbelievable presidential shenanigans or even the minutiae of Taylor Swift’s matrimonial plans. Then inevitably I ask you a question. You never give a direct answer to any inquiry small or large relevant or irreverent. First, you respond with a quick and witty quip. I in turn humor you and am willing to go wherever you want to go in this conversation. Then you shift to something that may or may not be collaterally related to my inquiry.

But next is the most fun part. Maddy, flittering around, leans into the question and is not having any part of your nonsense. She then leans into you for a real and honest answer. She nudges you gently, thinks she is giving you clarity about what was asked, gives you suggestions and shares her response to the question. It takes many volleys back and forth between the two of you for you to reveal a true and serious answer. Then Maddy and I sit back satisfied and satiated by your disclosure. FYI: Google (a source without inaccuracies) stated that a person, and even more so, a man that reaches their 97 birthday can be described as: Rare, Exceptional, and Elite. An apt description of you my friend.

From Hannah S.: How lucky am I to have an uncle like you? You’ve always made me laugh, asking me how my bitch of a mother was or singing back to the workers while buying Miranda and I ice cream at ColdStone, but you also have the biggest heart. Thanks for always accepting me as I am and always making me feel loved. And for teaching me extremely crude jokes (because that’s what uncles are for, after all!). Love you so much! And happy 97th to the best there is!

From Becca: Happy 97th birthday, Fred! 🎉 I don’t have nearly as many memories with you as I’d like, but a memorable one that stuck with me is walking in on you and your computer years ago and discovering that you had, let’s say, a very unique way of getting people interested in the many fascinating things you wrote about. 😉 It was an unforgettable moment for a naive college girl!

You are an interesting, smart, and wonderfully unique person. Maddy and Miranda are pretty amazing women, so you must be doing something right! ❤️

So many people are thinking of you on this special day and how much you mean to them. Lucky us to know you and be part of the Frediverse.

From Stephen

From Tricia: I honestly can’t remember exactly when I first met you, Fred. But I do know one thing for certain: if you loved my Maddy, you were already good with me.

Maddy and I met at work more than 25 years ago, but sometimes I think our friendship was meant to happen long before that. We went to the same university, we both graduated on the same day you married each other and we still didn’t know each other. The day I got married was the day she gave birth to your daughter—and still, we didn’t know each other. And finally our paths finally crossed, and Maddy became the sister from another mother. And with Maddy came the people she loves—including you.

Over the years, I’ve come to know what an extraordinary man you are. 97 years of life, history, learning, teaching and, I’m sure, more than a few strong opinions! An English professor, a lover of Shakespeare, politics, knowledge and conversation, and a member of a generation who earned the opportunity for a college education through the GI Bill—you are worth celebrating.

But of all the things I could say about you, what has always mattered most to me is very simple: you love my best friend. And anyone who loves Maddy has a special place in my heart.

Happy 97th Birthday, Fred. What an incredible milestone and an incredible life. I hope you know how many lives you have touched along the way—and how very loved you are.

From Kevin: Hey Fred. I know that if Tricia and Maddy weren’t good friends I most likely would’ve missed out on knowing you. I always felt that when we do get the opportunity to meet we can dive right into the world of things people don’t usually want to talk about at social gatherings. The good shit and the bad shit. You were like some of drinking buddies from my Harvard Square daze. You have been around longer than I but have always kept up with the times. Thanks for all the little music tidbit emails and the talks we’ve had.

Don’t you love this birthday stuff….. Peace☮️

From Sylvia: “Fred’s Happy Place”

From Paul: I’ve been Fred’s son since 1963. Fred is the son of a factory worker from New Haven, CT. After serving in the Korean War my father went to UCONN on the GI Bill and continued getting his PhD in English.

He spent time in San Francisco along the way, and I think his life’s experience and exposure set the tone for who he became, as it does for us humans. His belief in fairness for the working class perhaps came from his factory working background and or the time spent in San Francisco during a tumultuous and philosophical time. I would often hear much banter amongst his professor colleagues on some very deep topics.

Growing up in small town Trumbull, CT, some things remain clear as if it were yesterday. My father made sure we were exposed to a diverse world bigger than Trumbull. Two very important and sentimental homes away from home are NYC and Provincetown as my father brought us there since I was in a stroller (we even have a family stone at Pilgrims Landing in Ptown).

My father never curbed my overzealous enthusiasm for whatever infatuation and hobby I pursued. From collecting reptiles to martial arts to running, my father supported and even became a partner in my pursuit of these endeavors. My father let me get a snake and with that started a long road of learning and collecting. He would bring home snake “food” from the Bio lab at the University of Bridgeport where he was Chairman of English. He let me have a tank the size of the whole wall in my bedroom (at one time I had twelve snakes). He went to the toilet one night and saw one of my escaped snakes in there and we got it out alive.

Then came running as I joined track in middle school. We ran endless road races and met up with the Milford Road Runners, he took me everywhere to run. One of the fondest memories is us going in his Datsun B210 every weekend to the YMCA in Bridgeport and running with a big group of characters as we made our way down Park Ave and ran Seaside Park and back about six to seven miles.

My father went on to run the NYC Marathon, and I jumped in with him once he hit Central Park with less than three miles to go. We also ran the first annual New Haven Road Race where I got an autograph from running legend and hero Bill Rodgers. Years later we ran the whole 20k race together when my father was 70, I believe.

Sharing the simplest of things like running was underestimated by the young kid I was then but appreciated now more than ever as I am now older than he was then when much of this was taking place.

My father let me indulge in my passions and took part in many. Some of these are still near and dear to me and he is still taking part, often sending me a Bruce Lee article, a snake article, a new running record set.

As I continue to take part or simply observing in these and other things my father will always be there with me, every stride.

From Paul, left: NY Marathon 1979, right: New Haven Road Face 1995

From Aaron: Fred! Happy Birthday to my favorite Uncle. Are you really turning 97? I don’t believe it. You don’t look a day over 96. Obviously, I’m kidding. You’re glowing.

Over the years, I’ve always loved sitting with you and listening to your many stories. Some of them totally inappropriate for how old I was, but that just made me love them more. My favorite of these stories is a tale about a fiddler and is wife which, if I’m
remembering correctly, ended with her saying:

Too late my love, too late my love,
He has me by the middle.
I’m on my back, he’s up my crack,
you’ve lost your f*cking fiddle.

I can’t wait to share this with my nephew someday. Have an amazing day because you’ve earned it. Love, Aaron

From Blair: Fred, Happy 97th birthday to you! You are a storyteller, a scholar, and an all around treasure. It’s an honor to call you my uncle-in-law and to know and love the Lapides family. Wishing you a wonderful birthday full of great food and even better company. Love you! <3 Blair

Also from Keith: Happy Birthday, Fred.

Birthdays are now, for me, more reflective—an exercise to remind me of this journey—one that has always included you for some 55 years and a lot of mileage indeed.

You have been more than just a close friend—a sage advisor, mentor, and personal confessor since I first met you in 1971. You have been with me through every phase of my life since the beginning at good old UB, and talked me off many of the ledges I found myself on (you always told me you would jump after I went first) or you kicked me in the ass when I needed it. Through a decade of running with you on the Bridgeport campus or prepping for your marathon in the 70s, and, in all the personal and professional challenges of the 80s, 90s, our conversations, phone calls, later email and all our visits to the present day, you have always been there for me and enriched my life and those that I loved (your own journey told me I would get it right one day and you and Maddy were with me when that finally happened). I can also say I have never met someone with your level of humor and quick wit, mixed with a deep humanitarian sense for the good in people. You are a great teacher and never cease to discover new things or reveal new issues for your friends to ponder. And as the world has proved, you will never run out of material to discover and call things in the special way that you see them.

L’chaim, y’didi hayakar — ad me’ah v’esrim, b’vriut u’v’simcha!

From Phil: I have several items from the Lapidese hanging over my desk at work: a poem written by Miranda, a drawing by Maddy, and a cutout of a random painting Fred gave me for my birthday. I don't know who the subject of the painting is but Fred says it made him think of me and now it makes me think of him, every day, along with the Library of America book on Breslin he gave me that sits right above my computer. Fred has given me some really good shit, especially his daughter. When you're in love, all shit is good shit. Love you, Fred.

From Russ and Carol: HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRED!

Carol and I wanted to send you our very best wishes for a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I fondly remember our lunches with you at UB. You and the THREE WISE MEN (aka the Beards - John Nicholas, Dick Daigle and me- your favorite Dean).

You are the only man I have ever thrown a baby shower for. It was quite a celebration just before Mickey’s birth. All the ladies took Maddy out to dinner and left all the guys to figure out how to have a baby shower. It was quite a night. A lot of fun.

There have been so many wonderful memories and we cherish them all. So we send our love and best wishes to you on your big day. Enjoy the celebration and soak up all the love!

From Barbara G.: Fred Lapides is a very experienced 97-year-old man with an irreplaceable spark that often shows up in his eyes. He is also a nonconforming
intellectual who has the knack of turning the serious into a comedy replete
with tearful laughing. I met Fred and his wife Maddy in an exercise class for
challenged, yet willing elders. Pausing, after a low impact session using
weights, (also known as training camp for aging Yoga Warriors seeking
Strength, Stamina and Stability), I walked over to visit Fred who was seated in
a chair. While standing next to him talking, I reached over and touched his
hand, feeling its soft warmth and Fred, for a moment, leaned in and folded
his hand around mine. His eyes immediately caught my attention as they
began to glimmer with the slow light of an awakening. An inkling was
beginning to sparkle. Something was about to happen. Fred is playfully
committed to rebellion and resistance, so I held my breath anticipating that a
fascinating idea was coming to life, a familiar story might be taking shape or
a potentially crude joke was about to be revealed. I braced for the punch
line. I’m still braced for the punch line and I can’t keep holding my breath.
Please Fred, since it’s your 97th birthday would you celebrate by sharing one
or two fascinating ideas about academia, or tell a favorite story from your
early childhood, or tell a provocatively salacious joke about the meaning of
life?

Happy Birthday Dear Fred. May you continue to enjoy your deeply abundant
and juicy life. Sending love and congratulations.

From Susan and Len: We first met you on Whatsapp with your daughter Miranda when we were in Israel and now we see some of her wonderful qualities have been passed down from you. We enjoyed celebrating Father’s Day with you, Miranda, Philip and Maddy and we are grateful to share in this chapter of your life. We wish you a blissful birthday and mazel tov on reaching the milestone. We look forward to seeing you again and spending more happy times with you!

From Henry: Fred! I can't believe you're turning 97. We haven't seen much of each other since I visited Miranda at home during the pandemic, but I always love seeing updates from you when Miranda shares them. I haven't told you, or perhaps even Miranda, this -- but I will consider it a great success if my life can turn out like yours. To be someone who's spent a lifetime developing intellectual passions, indulging a good sense of humor, and being excited to try new things is a wonderful thing. While we haven't spent a lot of time together, it is obvious to me (as I'm sure it is to you) the influence you have had on shaping Miranda's exceptional character -- and that of many other young people, I'm sure. I hope you spend your birthday surrounded by people that you love, and some good laughter.

From Hannah and Tzachi: Fred, happy birthday!! Wishing you a lot of laughs and nachas from your beautiful family. Thank you for sharing your wonderful daughter with us! With love, Hannah and Tzachi

From Shira: Happy birthday Fred! I’m a friend of Miranda’s and I met you on Zoom one afternoon while Miranda was visiting. You are quite an inspiration!!! Miranda has told me about the seeds you eat and how well you take care of yourself. I think your secret is being generous with your love. Miranda adores you and I admire your relationship. Wishing you a very happy birthday and thank you for being a wonderful role model.

From Netta: Hi Fred, happy birthday!! 🎉🎂 I feel so lucky to have been welcomed into your family and to have shared Thanksgivings and Oscars parties and Train Dreams with you. Looking forward to singing Waltzing Matilda with you soon. Wishing you a very happy birthday and another wonderful year ahead! 💕

And from your friends on Substack:

From Nabila: Wishing you the happiest of birthdays, Fred! While we have never met, I have quickly become a part of your fan club thanks to your comments on the Shabbat Drops! I was honored by your comment on the Shabbat Drop that featured the story of my community leaving Iran during the Iranian Revolution. Cheers to many more birthdays to come!

From Debbie: Wow! Happy 97th birthday, Fred. I hope it is one filled with love and joy. I am turning 60 this year and am the only one of my father’s four children to reach 60. I am therefore perhaps more acutely aware of the precious and often bittersweet gift of ageing. I wish more people understood what a gift it is. With warmth, Debbie 🌺

From Rina: Brachot of joy for you Fred as you celebrate turning 97! Fred, you must be a true mensch, as I have the pleasure of working with your daughter Miranda, and we all know that the apples don’t fall far from the tree. Mazel tov Fred! Happy birthday to you!

From Inbal: Mazal Tov! Happy Birthday from a fellow Rolling Stones Fan!

From David: Happy birthday! May your pastrami be spicy and you always get what you want!

From Epn: Happy Birthday, Fred! Hope you get a delicious, big deli sandwich (and pickle) to eat while your favorite Stone’s tune is playing!

From Alessandro: Happy birthday! Buon compleanno! A great hug 😄

From Yoni: What a legendary man! Mazal Tov Fred!!!

💦 If you want more Fred, check out these Drops: