Secrets for a Well-Lived Life—Revealed!
From Talmud to Tinder, here's some life advice I picked up from a class on Jewish wisdom.
🕯️This Drop is in memory of Yaron Lischinsky and Sarah Milgrim who were killed the other night outside the Capital Jewish Museum in DC. Yaron was to propose to her next week in Jerusalem. I’ve been especially distraught over this news. Maybe it’s because they were passionate about Jewish causes like me, attending the type of event I would go to. Maybe it’s because I used to live in DC, whose Jewish community propelled my Jewish journey as an adult. Or maybe I find myself, once again, overwhelmed by the amount of hate in the world.
I was going to write about this in depth today, about how the line between anti-Zionism and antisemitism continues to blur, how spewing hateful rhetoric incites violence, and how history teaches us that we shouldn’t be surprised by this.
But instead, I’m choosing to focus this Drop on Jewish learning, not on antisemitism. And reading about Yaron and Sarah, how they worked for peace and bridging Israelis and Palestinians, and how involved they were in so many Jewish organizations, I think they too would have wanted that. May their memories be a blessing.
I recently finished taking a seven-part class on Jewish values taught by one of the most influential rabbis in the world. I’m not going to say who he is because I don’t want him to get mad at me for spilling some of his secrets!
He gave sermons on topics like the Jewish life cycle, goal setting, relationships and dating, Zionism, and the Jewish future. To be honest with you (and I’m always honest with you, dear reader), the class was more on self-help and personal development, but hey, I’m a junkie for that!
The food and drinks in the class were also amazing, and I connected with some great wisdom-seeking Jews. But forget what I ate (lamb skewers on the fluffiest pita) and drank (strawberry basil gin fizz with fake foam if egg white’s not your thing)… let’s get to some non-Jewish Jewish learning!
How to make sure your life is meaningful
Okay, this is actually pretty Jewish. It’s straight from the Talmud, people! According to Shabbat 31a, a person is asked four questions when they die. No, not the Passover four questions! These four questions:
Were you honest in business?
– This question asks whether you acted with honesty and integrity in your work and financial affairs. Anyone can say they were a nice person, but were they a mensch when it counted?Did you raise a family?
– Traditionally, this refers to fulfilling the mitzvah of having children, but it can also be interpreted more broadly as contributing to the growth and continuity of the world. Did you raise a pet? Did you build community? According to Mystery Rabbi who taught my class, there is nothing more powerful than the responsibility of helping something/someone grow, which is why it’s so natural to have your parents die before you do. Sad, but natural, as it means they fulfilled their responsibility. Oy, sorry that got grim!Did you study Torah?
– The purpose of life is not to be happy; the purpose of life is to continuously grow your soul, aka deepen your understanding of life and continue to learn. This question emphasizes the importance of lifelong learning and making time for spiritual growth and education. Studying Torah is a great way to do this.Did you expect redemption?
– Or as I prefer: Did you live with hope?
➡️ Read more on these questions here.
Relationships are like diet books
…if one worked, everyone would follow one. In other words, when we see love that feels real, like Jacob being married to Leah for seven years so he could get with Rachel (aha! Jewish connection!), we all want to believe it’s possible. But in relationships, there’s no one-size-fits-all. What works for one couple may be entirely wrong for another.
And to be happy in a relationship, you have to be honest with yourself. Is this relationship living up to your values? Do you have an honest friend who can really tell you what they think of your partner? (The rabbi placed a big emphasis on friendships and being even more selective with them than you are with a partner.)
We put too much pressure on our partners. They don’t need to check every box (therapist, teacher, workout buddy, even soulmate) or be into everything you’re into. You have friends for that. Hopefully. Expecting one person to fulfill every need is a setup for disappointment. What matters more is: Do they show up with emotional energy? Do they get up in the middle of the night for the baby? Are they kind?
If you’re single and dating, don’t let the texting go on for more than a week. Just meet up already!
And remember:
Men = emotional sprinters
Women = emotional marathon runners
(The rabbi was a little old school)
You thought I wouldn’t mention Zionism
But what’s Jewish learning without a little Israel, antisemitism, and anti-Zionism?
When people, like those “I was lied to about Israel” Jews, find out the truth about what happened in 1948, that disillusionment they feel often becomes their new truth. The shock of a more complicated, even painful history turns into distance, maybe even rejection. It’s a psychological response: to protect ourselves from disappointment, we disconnect. But nation origin stories are always messy. Why should Israel be any different or singled out?
Be wary of anyone who tells you one version of history: that Jews drove out the Palestinians, or that Arabs told Palestinians to leave. Both things can be true, and are true. Which says a lot about Israel education, but that’s for another Drop!
But there’s hope. The most optimistic thing Mystery Rabbi heard all year was from Fareed Zakaria, who said the following on The Prof G Pod with Scott Galloway:
"People forget in the early 1970s, the Harvard Crimson was writing editorials in favor of Pol Pot. It was writing editorials arguing that the North Vietnamese should win the Vietnam War because they were the forces of progress and liberation. These are 19- and 20-year-olds. They've often been radical."
Radicals soften with age. We know this, but it’s a good reminder. So don’t fear the chanting college students with covered faces. They’ll grow up to become hedge fund managers.
Also, Mystery Man predicts that more Arab nations will coalesce because they want to take out the Muslim Brotherhood. This rabbi is smart, so I’d listen to him if I were you!
Your life is not defined by your stuff
I’m going to tell you a story. The story of a woman named Miranda. A woman so organized who never lost anything… until one day, she lost her prized notebook from Jewish class.
It was branded, shiny, beautiful. A bullet journal with its own folder pocket that influencers would drool over. The journal also contained the class schedule that would serve as her ticket to Israel.
You see, each class, Miranda would proudly present her journal to check in for attendance so that she could enter a raffle to win a flight to Israel with a four-day stay in a nice hotel (!!).
But one day, the journal vanished, causing Miranda great distress. She couldn’t believe it was gone, that journal that contained three classes’ worth of secrets and Jewish wisdom. And her chance at Tel Aviv.
She obsessed over finding her missing journal. She even had dreams about it. Until one day, she remembered a piece of advice from the wise rabbi who taught her class.
It was the week of the devastating LA fires. The rabbi began the class talking about the fires and how we as humans prioritize stuff. Living in LA, he shared stories of families who lost all their belongings, accumulated over decades. They may have lost their homes, but he reminded them they still had their lives. They would rebuild, and it would be tough, but they were alive. They can always get new stuff.
The rabbi encouraged the class to not define their lives by their stuff. Miranda does this all the time. As a maximalist, she defines her life by her patched peach-colored Norwegian cardigan. As a mega Outlander fan, she treasures her book signed by the cast. She would be sad if these belongings burnt to ashes, along with the fiery cross (Outlander reference).
The rabbi’s words reminded her that as frustrating as it was to lose the journal, the knowledge it contained wasn’t gone. And now she has shared some of it with you.
She also realized she didn’t need the journal to enter the raffle to go to Israel. Because she eventually bought herself a ticket to volunteer there in June! And her friend and fellow classmate won the raffle instead, because her friend is more organized and doesn’t lose things.
Do not define your life by your stuff. Go out and live. Grow your soul.
✍️ Shabbat Prompt
Here’s an exercise from class. Write down your three most important values. Some examples: Curiosity, growth, creativity, love, adventure, compassion, justice.
Did you write them down? Don’t read on until you’ve done so!
Okay. Good. Now, ask yourself: are you living each of these values? Consider them and put a check mark next to each one if you are doing so. If not, examine how you can bring more of these values into your life.
Because living in alignment with your deepest values is the truest path to a meaningful and fulfilled life.
Shabbat Shalom,
If I put aside the fact that I am your father and very proud of that, I note in reading you here that you are overflowing with ideas, insights, learning and a desire to share with us. That said, I do note that you begin by dedicating the Drop this time, to the two young people killed at the Jewish Museum in D.C, and that reminds us that yes, Zionism and Judaism and the ongoing conflict in Gaza and issues with Iran remain the elephant in the vestibule..
Once again a perky but serious drop with a wide range of wisdom and thought provoking points. We just finished a week of volunteering, taking a Shabbas break, an gearing up for next week. Look forward to seeing your here!