What if we treated Judaism like our camp crush?
The new romcom '31 Candles' teaches us about "feeling" Jewish
📚 Last chance to sign up for virtual book club! We meet on Sunday to discuss As a Jew by Sarah Hurwitz!
It’s cuffing season! 🍂
Last week, a friend invited me to see the latest Jewish romcom, 31 Candles. I’ll admit I was hesitant at first.
While I appreciate a romcom (or for Ted Lasso fans, rom-communism), I’m often skeptical of movies or shows that feature a watered-down version of Judaism for some cheap laughs (i.e., bagel humor), especially when non-Jews watch and think that’s the only version of Judaism there is.
That’s why I haven’t seen an episode of Nobody Wants This, and judging by what the community has said about it, it sounds like I’m not missing much. I try to keep an open mind, though, so I’m sharing a post by a reform rabbi who appreciated its authentic representation of different forms of Judaism, something I can get down with!
Anyway, I told my friend I would only write about 31 Candles if I liked it, and well, here we are. I’m writing about a movie for Jewish Book Month.
A 30-year-old Jewish film director who makes Christmas movies runs into his old camp crush, who happens to be a b’nei mitzvah tutor. Naturally, he decides to study for the bar mitzvah he never had with Eva Shapiro as his tutor. His bar mitzvah project? To fall in love before he turns 31.
Jonah Feingold, who directed, wrote, and edited the film also stars as the main lead, Leo. The main character perfectly encapsulates what it’s like to feel lost in your early 30s (trust me, I would know): wanting love but not knowing if you’re capable of having it, searching for identity and belonging, and getting in your own damn way.
This indie film’s got it all: hook ups, dating, Shabbat, making fun of podcasters, a discussion about G-d, a bris, Torah, and antisemitism. Plus, it’s a refreshing twist: a romcom from a guy’s perspective.
Much like the 2024 indie film, Between the Temples (which I briefly wrote about here), 31 Candles is about trying to find yourself and uses Jewish identity as an anchor, not just to carry the plot along.
When Leo hosts his first Shabbat dinner, he proudly yet clumsily recites the blessings over the candles, and awkwardly claps when he’s done. Ever so Jewishly, he then ponders the idea of free will versus G-d, which leads to a discussion about the Holocaust and atheism.
But, hey, like the female lead says, “Maybe G-d isn’t just black and white,” while comedically holding up a black and white cookie.
Throughout most of the film, Leo acts like a lovesick thirteen-year-old: anxiously texting Eva Shapiro (he calls her by her full name to show how much he idolizes her, which we know is a big no-no in Judaism!), spending as much time with her as possible, and trying to impress her.
Which got me thinking… what if we approached Judaism like that? Hear me out.
When Leo is getting ready to host Eva Shapiro and his friends for Shabbat dinner, he’s frantically cleaning and removing the stickers off his new wine glasses (which he tells his guests belonged to his great-grandmother).
Over a montage of cleaning, he tells the viewer about the power of having a crush and how much one does to impress her, including buying silverware. “When we have a crush, we can create world peace,” he says naively.
What if we approached Jewish identity like this? Having a crush on our identity or on our own concept of G-d?
When you get ready for a date, you meticulously prepare, trying to look and feel your best. As do we when preparing for Shabbat or any other holiday!
We rush in the preparation, because we don’t want to be late and make a bad impression. Traditionally, we rush in cooking and cleaning because time stops for no one and Shabbat comes whether you’re ready or not.
When we’re sitting across the table from our date during dinner or drinks, we hang on to their every word and we’re conscious of our own. In Judaism, there’s a word for that kind of presence: kavanah, or intention. It means giving something your full attention, like saying prayer with feeling, not just because you’re “supposed to.” It means being present and doing something for the right reasons, something Leo struggles with. And in Judaism we pay attention to our own speech as well, to make sure we don’t participate in lashon hara, or “evil speech” that could hurt someone’s reputation.
I was thinking about this after I left the movie theater and went to a Shabbat service. I I was trying out a new synagogue that night. Even though I didn’t love the service, I still paid attention and gave it respect, as if this new community was suddenly my camp crush reappearing in my adult life, which is ironic because my camp crush wasn’t Jewish.
Because how can you know if something or someone is right for you if you’re not paying close attention?
Next time you need a spiritual pick-me-up, treat something as though you’re dating Eva Shapiro, or whoever your camp crush was. Thinking of going to a service? Treat it as though Jake Weinstein, who you smooched by the lake at 14, will be there. Trying to study some parsha? Give the text the same amount of focus you would as if you were AIM chatting with Sarah Goldfeld, who you wrote a song for in the camp talent show.
And now, a word from our director/writer/Leo on his Jewish identity:
“I had grown up Jew/ish, which is a line that the character says in the film. And then he says he watched Rugrats Passover, but ultimately it’s true. Even though my grandparents were the founding members of a temple called Stephen S. Wise in Los Angeles, and my sister had had her bat mitzvah, so I had always felt a bit out of the loop and left behind. Ultimately, I wanted to make a film that honored my Jewish heritage and my grandmother after having just directed a Christmas romantic comedy for Amazon Prime. I was a bit nervous and scared to explore my Jewish identity, so I did it the best way I knew how, which was ultimately via the safety net of making a film. Which ironically ends up becoming quite a vulnerable experience in a way that no one can possibly imagine until you’re doing it. But I couldn’t be more happy about the experience and connected to my Jewish roots as well as my artistic roots through the film.” -Jonah Feingold
31 Candles is a heartwarming portrayal of what it means to “feel” Jewish. It also has a great Jewish cast featuring Jackie Sandler and Judy Gold! And if my review didn’t entice you enough to watch it, the hilarious Judy Gold should.
“What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off!”
Good Shabbos. Treating every Drop like a date,
I read this with great interest, and I enjoyed reading this perspective. It's been a LONG time since the possibility of a "camp crush" :) Truth be told, when I was a kid, growing up in the Philly area, I attended a camp called SGF (subsidized by Jewish Federation at that time), which was entirely a boys camp, so no "camp crush". Never had the opportunity to go to Camp Ramah.